


Season 8

by lostinmymindforever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-16
Updated: 2013-05-16
Packaged: 2017-12-12 00:47:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/805192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinmymindforever/pseuds/lostinmymindforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of ficlets based off of Season 8</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Homecoming

Dean was back, whole, alive. Sam couldn’t get over the fact that his brother was there, that he was holding his brother in his arms once more. The last year had almost broken him, he’d been lost without Dean.

All Sam wanted to was hold Dean. Hug him, kiss him, shove him down onto the nearest flat surface and reacquaint himself with Dean’s body, learn every new scar he had. But something stopped him, something prevented him from acting on that impulse.

Dean smelled just as he remembered, the scent that had haunted Sam for the last year. Having Dean’s arms around him was perfection, as if he was finally home.

He knew that he’d screwed up, not looking for Dean, but Dean was back, finally back where he belonged. Hopefully Dean would forgive him, hopefully they could work through this. Only time would tell.


	2. Flawed Expectations

They’re not what I expected, Sam and Dean Winchester that is. They’re different. And yet there is something about them, something that drew my brother away, drew my brother to them. I want to understand what it is that makes them so special, what made Castiel side with them again and again. So I watch them. I watch and wonder. Wonder how Dean escaped purgatory, wonder what happened to Castiel, wonder if Castiel was right to follow these two. I watch as they try and save the prophet, I watch as the demon Crowley plots. I wish I understood. I wish Castiel was here to tell my why, explain what is so compelling about these two men. But he’s not, so I watch, and try to see things as he does.


	3. I Understand - (Sam)

I can understand it in a way.

Letting myself die so I wouldn’t have to lose the one I love.

Hell me of all people can understand that.

After losing Dean, not once, but twice now, I get it.

I understand the pain of outliving the person closest to your heart.

I’ve screwed up, I know I have, and I wish more than anything that I could fix things between us.

That I could make Dean understand why I did what I did.

That I could make him see how broken and empty and lost I was without him at my side.

Dean doesn’t understand how lost I was.

I can’t tell him.

Can’t let him know how close to just ending everything I got after he vanished.

He thinks I just gave up.

That I just stopped.

He doesn’t understand.

Not yet.


	4. What Others See

Is that how Sam and I really are?

Do we really give off that kind of vibe?

Does everyone we meet know about us, know that Sammy and I are as close as we are, or at least as close as we used to be?

I know I’ve tried not to be obvious.

I know Sam has tried also.

But to hear them talking on the tape.

To hear them assuming we’re a couple when they barely even spoke with us?

Are we that obvious?

Does it always show on our faces, in our actions, in the way we speak that Sam and I are more than just brothers?

Who all knows?

Did Dad?

Did Bobby?

Did Cas?

Has every person we have ever met known the truth and just assumed we were lying about being brothers, as if we were ashamed of being a couple?

It would make sense.

People have asked about us for years.

The looks we get when we say we are brothers.

The looks that say, “Sure you are, keep lying.”

I don’t know anymore.

I’ve tried to hide my feelings, but obviously have failed.

Let them think that.

Let them assume the truth.

I’m done fighting it.

I’m done hiding.


	5. Maybe

He’s jealous.

I can almost taste it pouring off of him.

I can see his hand reaching for a blade, intent on killing me.

The fact is, I understand it.

And I wouldn’t stop him if he tried.

I can tell he doesn’t trust me.

That he doesn’t want me near his brother.

That in his eyes I’m nothing but a vampire.

Maybe he’s right.

Maybe I can’t be good.

Maybe I’ll end up dead at his hand one day.

Maybe.

But not today.


	6. This Isn't Me

I want to stop talking.

Want to stop saying these things to Sam.

Want to put the gun down.

But I can’t.

I can’t control myself.

Can’t control the words coming from my mouth.

The anger.

The rage.

The sense of loss.

The sense of betrayal.

It’s not true.

Not entirely at least.

Sam has to know this isn’t me.

Has to know that I wouldn’t just say these things, no matter how mad I am at him.

Someone needs to stop me.

I can’t kill Sam.

I can’t let this thing destroy the only good thing I have left.

I know without a doubt, this thing makes me kill Sam, the next bullet will go straight into my brain.

We’re broken right now.

That doesn’t mean we can’t be fixed.


	7. Back

I shouldn’t be back.

I don’t deserve to be back.

Not after what I did.

Not after the damage I caused.

I should still be in purgatory.

I shouldn’t be here with Sam and Dean.

Why am I out?

I never wanted to come back.

This isn’t right.

I’m not right.

\---

He’s back.

I knew he’d be back eventually.

I knew as soon as Dean got back that somehow Cas would be back too.

He looks different.

Better.

Saner.

As if whatever happened there fixed the damage to him that happened when he took my hallucinations from me.

It’s good to see him.

He’s our friend.

He’s family.

\---

I failed.

Didn’t I?

Failed to protect my friend.

And yet...

He says it wasn’t my fault.

Says I’m not to blame.

How wasn’t it?

I fail everyone.

But it wasn’t my fault.

Not really.

He stayed on purpose.

Stayed there, by himself, and sent me here.

I should be happy that it wasn’t my fault.

But I’m not.

My friend is broken.


	8. Broken Angel

Something’s wrong with Castiel. I know it. The way Dean is watching him, as if terrified that Cas is gonna do something horrible, as if he’s making sure that Cas doesn’t just end everything. It hurts to see him this way, hurts to see my friend so broken, lost, ashamed. I wish I could fix him, wish I could fix all three of us. God knows we could use it, that these last few years have chipped away at us, leaving broken, bleeding cores.

Castiel needs to know we’re there for him, me and Dean, no matter what. No matter how bad it gets, no matter what he did, he’s still our friend, still family. I’m really one to talk. I ran, ran so far and so fast to escape my pain. I understand how it is, what it’s like to be broken. Castiel has given up so much, for me, for Dean, and all he gets in return is more and more damage done to him. He’s lost. And I pray that he can be found once more. I pray that we can save him as he’s saved us time and time again.


	9. Who Am I Kidding?

The second I did it I felt horrible, and yet I knew the damage was already done. Using Amelia to get Sam out of the way was a dick move, I know that. But Benny’s my friend, I had to give him a chance, had to make sure he was telling the truth.

It shouldn’t have had to be that way. Sam should have trusted my judgment.

But did I trust him with Ruby? Okay, I was right about her, but neither of us knew that then, and the fact is that this whole thing with Benny could have turned out like that, hell it still could, who am I kidding.


	10. Trust

I hand him my blade, not sure if he realizes what this means. The last time he held an angel blade in my presence he shoved it into my body, but me giving it to him shows that I trust him, that no matter what has happened in our past, Sam is my friend and I trust him, trust him enough that I will give him the object that can kill me. I look into his eyes briefly, and know he understands the gesture for what it is. We’ve both made mistakes, but this, this is a step in the right direction. Whatever damage was done is being fixed, whatever happens now we both understand that trust runs both ways again.


	11. Leather Pants and a Ponytail

All I can think about is Sam in those leather pants, his hair pulled back into a small ponytail. It’s almost enough to distract me from my little speech. As soon as we’re done here I’m gonna drag Sam into one of the tents and show him just what that get up on him does to me.

I’m gonna get on my knees, peel down that tight leather, and suck him down to the root. I’m gonna feel his fingers tighten in my hair, holding my head in place as he fucks my mouth, hard and fast, almost painful, and yet just how we both like it.

I’m gonna have him then, suck a path along his neck as I fuck him, listen to him moan, beg, plead for me to let him come again.

And after, after we’re done, I’m gonna steal those pants, hell, steal both of our outfits, and put them aside for later, put them aside so we can play again, give Sam another excuse to pull his hair back like that. Fuck he doesn’t know what that does to me.

Or then again, maybe he does? The smirk he just gave me, the looks that says he knows exactly what I’m thinking and he likes it. Yeah, I can live with that.


	12. Family Talk

John swallows hard, he can’t believe it, can’t believe his eyes as he watches the man walk closer to him. It’s been years since he laid eyes on the man, he was still a little boy, who grew into a man who had always thought that his father had abandoned him. But now, watching his father walk towards him, after watching him with his boys, watching the man sacrifice his life to save them, all the anger and resentments he held towards the man vanish. He opens his arms, pulling his father into an embrace, telling him he forgives him, telling him how sorry he is for hating him most of his life, telling him that he had wished he had a chance to know his father more. Henry just smiles, sitting down at the table across from John, and asks him to tell his story, to tell him everything. They have time to do this, time to clear the air between them, so John does. He isn’t sure how long he has been talking, Mary slid into the booth next to him some time earlier. He looks up when he hears chairs being pulled up, noticing Adam and Sam and Dean coming to sit with them, the Winchesters together in death how they should have been in life


	13. Research Break

Sam grabs Dean gently by the wrist, pulling his brother’s hand to his mouth. He kisses the cut on Dean’s finger, eyes dark with lust. Dean lets out a moan as Sam takes his finger into his mouth, tongue circling around the digit as if it was Dean’s cock.

Sam leads Dean over to the table, shoving him gently onto the surface, hands moving to remove the robe Dean’s wearing. He trails kisses down Dean’s body, savoring the taste of pure Dean. Dean’s moaning by the time Sam reaches his cock, thrusting up into Sam’s mouth, almost begging, but not quite.

Sam takes his time, licking and sucking and teasing Dean until his brother is shaking with want. When Sam pulls away Dean almost growls, so on edge, annoyed that Sam would just stop there. But all his protests die on his lips as he watches Sam strip, the younger Winchester moving quickly to get as naked as Dean is.

Sam smiles, helping Dean stand before bending over the table, winking back at Dean. He knows he is still stretched and slicked from earlier, when Dean had him bent over this very same table, so he tells Dean to just go for it. Dean doesn’t need any more invitation than that, entering Sam in one fast motion, Sam’s fingers digging into the table as Dean fucks him hard and fast. They move as one, Sam moving back into every one of Dean’s thrusts, Dean’s hands tight on his hips, Sam’s cock rubbing against the hard surface under him.

He can’t help but moan as Dean hits his prostate with every thrust, as his brother is well versed in making him cum on nothing but Dean’s cock in his ass. They’re both sweating and cursing and moaning as the quickly approach completion, crying out each others names. It’s over too soon, and they lay together, resting against the table until Sam’s knees threaten to give out.

Dean pulls out slowly, taking Sam by the hand, leading him towards the shower to clean up, and maybe start round two. They both know that sometime soon Sam will be the one fucking Dean over the table, and neither of them can complain about that.


	14. All I Have Left

They’ve only been back to the bunker for a few minutes, and already Dean can tell that there is something on Sam’s mind. His brother is pacing, shoulders tense. Dean walks towards him, resting a hand on Sam’s arm, causing him to stop and look at him.

“Sammy, what’s wrong?”

Sam looks at him as if he has grown a second head, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong, Dean? You wanna know what’s wrong? The fact that you think I want to go on with you gone. The fact that you don’t care if you live or die, that you’re willing to throw your life away like it’s meaningless. You know what? I don’t want to go on with you dead, I don’t want to have to bury you, to live my life knowing you gave up. And I’m sorry that you don’t understand that, but you throwing your life away isn’t worth it.”

Sam moves away, running his hand throw his hair. He’s breathing heavily, angry, hurt, scared. Dean is the only thing he has left. And while Sam wants a normal life, wants to stop hunting, he doesn’t want it if the cost is Dean’s life. He’s already lost him too many times, and he can’t do it, not again.

Sam sinks down in one of the chairs, “I can’t lose you again, Dean. It almost killed me when you disappeared the last time. If you die, if I lose you again I think it will kill me. So you can’t give up on me, not now. Please, promise me you’ll try. If not for you then for me. I can’t do it, not again. You’re all I have left.”


	15. Memories or Delusions

It still comes as a surprise, even after all this time, how innocent Dean can be. I was expecting certain comments, expecting him to make certain jokes, and he didn’t. The look of pure confusion on his face when he realized just what kind of relationship they shared made me fall even more in love with him.

I know I should tell him, tell him that something is wrong, but I can’t, I can’t let him worry about this.

To say that having all those memories thrown back into the front of my mind was hard would be the biggest understatement, and I can only imagine what he saw, what hurts and pains were thrust into his head. I know he saw mom’s death, and fuck if that doesn’t hurt, knowing that he’s had that memory most of his life, that his innocence was shattered at such a young age.

I wish I could take those memories from him, that I could make everything all right, just as I know he wishes he could do the same for me. Our whole lives have been like this, one damning thing after another. It’s a wonder either of us is sane. Sometimes I have nightmares of waking up back in an insane asylum, that everything we’ve seen, been through never happened, that it’s all a lie, a delusion.

Sometimes I think that would be better, being crazy, rather than having this be our lives. But if I am crazy, if all of this is in my head, why would I torture Dean so much, he’s been through Hell, quite literally. If I was to make a delusion, wouldn’t I want him happy, safe, whole, rather than the damaged, broken man who sits beside me, broken just as badly as I am?

I cling to the knowledge, the truth that this is real, that what we do, who we are is all we have. Our lives may be fucked up, but we have each other, he’s my rock as much as I am his.


	16. I Understand - (Dean)

Sam is hurting, scared, what he’s gotten himself into with these trials is taking it’s tole on him.

He won’t talk to me, won’t tell me, but I know.

I understand his reasoning, and I’m not angry, not at Sammy.

I’m angry that he’s hurting, sad that he feels he needs to hide this from me, but I understand.

I understand that he’s trying to make me not worry, but how can I not, he’s my baby brother.

I understand that he’s not hiding this from me because he thinks I’ll get angry, he’s doing it to protect me, to stop me from trying and taking over for him.

It’s stupid, but I understand.

As much as it hurts me to watch him hurt in silence, I get it.

Sam’s trying to be strong, for me.

So I let him keep his lie.

But I watch, and worry, and pray.

Pray for some way to save him.

Pray for Cas to look over him.

Pray that in the end Sammy will come out of this okay, that what I fear, that this will end in death won’t come to be.

I can’t lose him, not again.

So yeah, I understand.


	17. Her Unicorn

I have a goal. For the first time in my existence I have something of my own choosing to look forward to. When all of this is said and done, when everything calms down, I have Meg. Meg, the one person I shouldn’t want. Meg, the demon who holds my heart. I have to keep my eyes open, to keep that goal in my head as I do what I have to do.

I never thought I would ever feel this way, never dreamed it was possible for me to feel for anyone, much less a demon, the way I feel for her. Our paths have been leading to this, to us, to our future since the day we met. I see this now.

Part of me wishes that she was here with me, at my side as I do what I have to to protect the tablet. I’ve been looking around, as if I’m trying to will her to my side. I didn’t know what love, this kind of love, really truly was until now. But Meg has made me see so much, feel so much.


	18. It Ends Bloody

Hunters are never children.

We never get out, no matter how hard we try.

That fact was just thrown in my face, one more time.

It’s not fair.

It’s not right.

And no matter how much I try, I know I can never change that fact.

Hunters are made.

Out of bloodshed.

Out of pain.

Out of loss.

We’re all broken.

And we try and fix ourselves, others.

But in the end, it always comes back to haunt us.

I’ve seen hunters try and get out.

And some did.

But in the end it always ends bloody.

I think about my mother.

About how she tried to get out.

For Dad.

For me.

For Sammy.

And in the end, her past came back to haunt her.

Her hunter life killed her.

Her hunter life led Dad on the path that he took.

The one that ended in his death.

Sammy’s death.

My death.

And I know we shouldn’t be.

But we’re lucky.

As much as we are cursed.

I hope those kids get out.

I hope that they somehow beat the odds.

Though I know they’ll probably end up dead.

Just like all the rest.


	19. Choice

It was a hard choice, but at the same time it was the only choice. A friend for my brother, a friend for Sam. I knew... deep down I knew he wouldn’t be coming back, but I had to hold onto hope. And I was right. It hurts, but I have Sam. Back where he belongs, back at my side. All it cost was a good man, a good friend. But at least Bobby is free, where he belongs, in Heaven, not being tortured in Hell. And Sam... Sam now understands, I think, why I trusted Benny, why I gave him the chance I did. If I could have done anything else, had there been some other way to save both of them, I would have. I don’t have many friends, they’re all dead, or wishing they were due to this life, and Benny was my friend. But he made his choice, just like I did, he stayed to make sure Sam could get back to me, and if there’s a chance to bring him back, if there is some slim hope I’ll hold onto that. It’s all I can do.


	20. I'm Scared

I’m scared.

Scared that I’m gonna lose him.

Scared that these trials are gonna take him from me.

Scared that I’m going to be left all alone.

And I know he’s scared too.

He hates it.

I want to protect him.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

To protect him, to make sure he’s safe.

To let him have as normal as a life as we can.

I love him.

He’s all I have.

All I’ve ever really had.

And each day feels like he’s slipping away more and more.

It should have been me doing this.

But I can’t change the fact that it’s him.

I have to be strong.

For both of us.

Have to support him, take care of him.

But I’m so damn scared.


	21. The Protector

In a way, as much as I am still worried, as much crap is happening right now, in a way things are looking up.

There’s an end in sight, we know what the final trial is, even though we don’t know what it’s going to do with Sam, at least we know more than we did.

And Kevin is safe, as safe as he can be, that is, but he’s no longer in Crowley’s clutches, he’s alive, when we were starting to think he was Dead.

And Castiel is back, broken, damaged, but with us where he belongs.

I have Sam and Castiel with me, where I can keep an eye on them, where I can keep them safe, as safe as I can.

I know we have a long way to go, I know that things will probably get worse before they get better, but I have to keep believing that somehow we’ll make it through this.

It hurt to hear Sam talking about when we were kids, that even then he could tell there was a darkness inside of him, but in a way it explains his quest for “normal”.

I have to protect them, Sam, and Cas, and Kevin.

It’s what I do.

It’s who I am.


	22. None Of This Is Right

It was senseless, the way she died.

It shouldn’t have happened like that.

Hell, it shouldn’t have happened at all.

We’re to blame.

Just as much as that bastard Crowley.

Had she not known us, had any of them not known us, they’d still be alive.

Well, maybe not.

But this shouldn’t be happening.

We shouldn’t have to fear who we are going to hear died next.

With everything going on, this was the last thing either of us needed.

Especially Sam.

She meant something to him, all those years ago.

This isn’t how things were supposed to happen.

I don’t know how much either of us can take.

And Cas?

The person I look at as my closest friend.

The person who means almost as much as Sam does?

Castiel is god knows where.

We need him right now.

Both of us do.

And Sam can forgive a lot easier than I can.

None of this is right.

None of it.

I just want it over.

I want this to end.

I don’t know how more either of us can take.


	23. I Can't Lose Him

It’s not worth it. 

None of it is worth it if it means Sam has to die. 

I can’t lose him. 

Not now, not ever. 

Not after everything we’ve gone through. 

And I know we’ve both done things, said things to each other over the years that hurt, but I am not going to lose him. 

I know this is what we’ve been working towards, sending these bastards back where they belong for all time, but I am not letting him finish, I’m not letting him go. 

It kills me to hear him say how he’s failed me, let me down. 

I have to make him see that I need him at my side.

Without him I have nothing.

Sam is my everything.

My reason to go on.

And I’ll be damned if I am gonna let him go.

The world is worthless with Sam by my side.


End file.
